Freedom!

Ok, so I take way to long to write anything, much less edit and so on. So honestly expect that I'll get to the transformation stuff around February. I've taken a brief respite from theological trends and instead I've been trying to focus on discerning God's will for where in the world I should go and what I should do. There are a myriad of choices: many places, races, occupations and goals. How am I to know the right one? I was searching for a "calling", that mystical voice that comes from God that apparently everyone is supposed to receive. I've never got a very clear one. Nothing specific at least. However, God reminded me that my first calling is to obey Him. That's great but it sure doesn't put a dot on the map. If God has blueprint for my life, why isn't He showing me what exactly it is that He wants? Surely if I go off of the plan God wants for me, everything will function, but it will never be as good as it could have been. For example, say I was to return to South America, when actually God wants me to go to Cambodia. Then what, am I doomed to a life of Godly mediocrity? How am I supposed to know if I never hear anything?

Thankfully, I'm free from that erroneous train of thought and resulting paralysis. I listened to a series of sermons loaned to me by a friend at church about knowing God's will for our lives which challenged and encouraged. I'll try to line out the basics as clearly as possible.

First, when we talk of God's will, we are discussing different types of God's will that I had always assumed to be one in the same. However, there are different strains. First is God's Sovereign will which is God's plan for the universe. This includes the creation of the world, sending Jesus, and the end times. There isn't anything we can do at all to either hinder or make this will happen. God will carry out this will period. No one really knows much about this plan either, even Jesus doesn't know when He's coming back.

There is also God's moral will. This is the way He wants you and all people to act, live, worship etc. Obviously, God desires that all should be saved (come to repentance and knowledge of Him). Not all do, but He wants that. He wants us to love our neighbor as God has loved us. We don't always, but that is His will that we live that way. This is essentially what the Bible is, God's moral will for us. It may or may not be followed and as such is sometimes lumped into the category of God's permissive will, which is beyond the scope of this post and my brain.

Finally, there is God's individual will. This is the blueprint of your life that God laid out when He first thought of you. The place you would be born, the schools you would go to, the person you would marry, the jobs you would take; the whole life you would live, right down to paper or plastic. Now God has this blueprint for your life, but we can fall off the blueprint, ie marry the wrong person, or take the wrong job etc. If you fall off, things won't be nearly as good as they could have been. You're off God's will for you, and that isn't a fun place to be.

So the question comes down to this: How can I determine God's individual will for me? Obviously if one can do that then we can follow God and stick to His original plan. And God should want us to know it too since He made it specially for me. So then, how do I get the blueprint?

There is a very simple answer. Its so simple that most people miss it and keep looking in the dark. But after years of indecisiveness and pause, I finally got it. Here it is, THE ANSWER, THE WAY to know God's will for YOUR entire life, every decision comes down to this simple phrase:

you can't

What? Why not?

God does not have an individual will for you life.

???

If you are like me, at this point I pretty much blew the guy off and refused to listen to any of the other sermons. Even his general concept is wrong, God has to have a plan for my life, right?

No, God doesn't have to have anything for you. We take God so much for granted that we assume He's this magical blessing box that only wants our good. Truth is, God wants His own good and glory. And He is perfectly entitled to it. He's God. Never make God "safe". A God who's stuck in a cage where He can't break loose and get you is no God. That is a pet of your own making. I love the response of God to Job. First, He's talking out of a whirlwind. A tornado is pretty freaky; a talking tornado.... that's entering the "wet the britches" zone. Second, God, through this tornado, goes on and on about His creation. Hey Job, I made the ostrich stupid; it could crush its own eggs, it treats its young harshly. But I'm God, I can do that. Hey Job, I made the horse strong. Why? You won't know why, but I did, and its fearless. Hey Job, I made this thing called Leviathan that is uber powerful, massive beyond imagination, no one can tame it, it could kill you like a terrible two year old stamping on cheerios, and I'm going to talk about how strong it is for thirty four verses. Why? Because I can, I made it.

I think the point God is making to Job is that He cannot be tamed. He is more powerful than anything anyone could ever imagine. He does this by showing how weak Job is in comparison to merely the things God has made. No matter whether you understand or like it, He is infinitely more powerful than you. You can't run up to heaven and slap God around till He comes to your point of view. He is God and we are not. We must conform to Him and not Him to us. (Yet He lets us wrestle with Him. He breaks every definition, I love God for that!)

I'm pretty sure I've gone off on this before, but I feel that there is no fear of the Lord among the general Christian body. We've made God into this fluffy bunny when nothing could be farther from the truth. Grace and forgiveness means nothing from a bunny; it means everything coming from a whirlwind boasting about a creature that thrashes iron like straw and bronze like rotten wood (Job 41:27.)

But on to individual will. Beyond issues of why, how can anyone know that God does not have an individual will for our lives? There are many examples of people in the Bible who were told directly by God His "specific" will for their lives, but these people are the exception, not the rule. Beyond their examples, there are a myriad of verses that are pointed to as well that might be seen as proving that God does have a specific will for your life. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 are always posted and quoted, but that verse is very specifically addressed to the captives from Jerusalem of the Babylonian invasion. Many of these verses are miss applied because the written word "you" does equal you sitting in the chair reading this. Yes, it does demonstrate something about God, but the specific message may or may not be for you.

What about Proverbs 3:5-6? The first chapter of Proverbs makes it clear that the whole book is a invitation and proclamation to anyone interested in gaining wisdom. The you's in this book are hopefully directed at you sitting there. So what does it mean that He will direct your paths or make them straight? First, paths is plural, but honestly it may not be in Hebrew and I don't know how to find that out, so take that lightly. But also if we are truly trusting God with all our hearts, we are in his moral will. If we do not lean on our own understanding or consider ourselves wise in our own eyes (v 7) we recognize God in all that we do. Wherever we are going, we know we have to go in the direction of God's understanding and our own humility. How do we know God's understanding: the Bible and the Holy Spirit and in some cases, words of prophecy or other direct means. These will show us God's moral will, and in very specific cases His will for us for one specific thing or another. But there is nothing concerning the comprehensive individual will. Nor are there verses that give insight into how to determine the will of God for an individual. There are exhortations that you know God's will, but these apply to His moral will. In summary, no where in the Bible is the concept of God's individual blueprint for your life laid out, and even more shocking is the complete paucity of how to find it.

At first, I found the lack of God's will for my life rather disconcerting. But the more I thought about it and had it explained, the more freeing it became. Currently I have no specific calling, but I don't need to wait for one either. I need to be humble and go in God's moral will, but within that I am free to choose wisely: the place to go, the activities/ministry to pursue, and so forth. Also, there is no fear of choosing the wrong path. Whatever path I get on, I know God will direct it. How freeing is that? I can trust in the Lord with all my heart; no matter where I am, God will direct me in that place.

All my life I've been reticent to choose anything since I could never tell if it was the will of God or not. Many times I found myself stuck agonizing in prayer and trying to discern anything. I remember one particular time I went on a hike just to be with God (which is always a good idea) and for some reason or another I thought God was trying to guide through some butterflies. I spent a good ten minutes chasing a butterfly that would double back, leave the path, and then land resting, only to repeat the cycle. I doubted and chastised myself for lack of faith and wondered, could this be real? Is this really God leading me? Looking back, I'm glad I trusted God that much that I was willing to scamper after tiny fluttering wings. Now I know that although He can lead that way, I am better off living for God and asking for His wisdom to guide me. The danger is not to fall prey to my own pride and understanding, but rather to continually humble myself. Not an easy task.

In the end, any decision within God's moral will is His will me. The question then becomes finding out (and I mean really finding out) what God's will is. This is where we must rely on God's wisdom and consider ourselves unwise. The pastor from the CD's offered these questions to ask when examining options in a decision. I'll add some of my own too:

Does this glorify God?
Does this seek the Kingdom of God?
Does this action love God?
Is this in the moral will of God? (Huge question with lots of subparts)
Are other people brought closer to God through this?
Will this cause anyone to stumble or have the appearance of wrongdoing?
Does this action love my neighbors?
Does this break any commitments I have to others?
Does this lead to the mistreatment/injustice/oppression of anyone? (Esp. important when considering a company of employment or purchases)
Does this alleviate the mistreatment/injustice/oppression of anyone?
Will this enslave me or destroy me in some way? (a much different question than will it be difficult)
Will I grow closer to God because of this?
Will this grow me or just let me stay where I'm at?
Do my gifts/experiences/desires fit?

If in a decision the answer to all those questions is the same between two options, pick whatever one you want and makes you happy. I can't believe I just wrote that, but that factor should be absolutely dead last in option determination, but I'm learning that pursuing happiness isn't necessarily a bad thing, except when its the only thing.

So in summary, I am no longer decisionaly handicapped. I can choose, with God's wisdom and choose quickly, without delay or worry. How amazing is that? God loves us so much that He lets us live, by His grace and wisdom, and be free to live for Him in who knows how many different paths. There is no worry about finding the right "one" to marry, the "one" place in the world to serve, the "one" ministry to carry out. God is big enough to hold it all together and let us seek Him with all of our hearts in all of our places. Be free to choose and be free to live!

Press on for Joy!

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UPDATE
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I think I've come to realize that calling can be different from God's individual will for your life. God may or may not give you a very specific calling (ie go to Burma and work as lumberjack) but everyone is called by one sense or another by God. The specifics of living out that calling are the details that require humility, seeking God with a pure and devoted heart, and making wise decisions. Isaiah 30:1-5. How to find your calling? You'll know when you are totally and completely devoted, submitted, and wildly in love with God . . . to the point where you will go and work towards whatever it is He calls you to, specific or general.

Intro and Question #1: Good News?

First, I must say my motivation in trying to answer these questions is due to a wide range of missional philosophies, doctrines, vision statements, core values, etc. I don't really know what my specific calling is, but I know above all, I am called to obey God. Completely. And that's impossible, but that doesn't mean quit. Since I want to obey God, I want to know what He wants, what exactly does He call us to be and do?

This is where things get murky and sunday school answers began to fail. Sometime ago, I found my self at church singing and worshiping. Like many of the songs that folks of older generations tend to downplay due to repetition of words, I noticed the word worthy being repeated numerous times, and in numerous songs. Suddenly I realized I had no idea what I was singing. What does worthy mean anyways? "Deserving of worth, duh" shot back an internal Webster's. So what worth does God deserve? doesn't He have it all anyways? What made Jesus a worthy sacrifice? He didn't deserve to die. I certainly wouldn't say He's an unworthy sacrifice, that just sounds wrong, but what does it mean to be a worthy sacrifice?

I found thereafter that there are many such words that are so easily thrown around, but I had no idea what they meant. Words like heart, holy, gospel, salvation, even love. Yes, I can smile and nod, but what was I smiling and nodding at? Jesus is the truth and He wants people to worship the Father in spirit and in truth. So what is the truth behind a word? And more than words, what about actions?

Back to missions. From my outsider prospective, many agencies and movements are driven by words, visions, ideas and concepts based on interpretation of the Word. But what interpretations are the truth? I don't want to go and do what God doesn't want. Unless God builds the house, the laborers work in vain. God's work must be done God's way. What is God's way? Thus a series of intertwined questions arose in my mind. I will attempt to walk through them and show different view points, thoughts, and definitions.

What is the Gospel?
Yes, I actually am asking that question. And how can anyone whose grown up in the church even dare to ask that question? Simple, because it never gets defined. There has been a lot of reexamining of the concept of Gospel in various missional groups. The Gospel is a very important matter and Christendom as whole needs to know what exactly it is. I'm going to outline the two different approaches to the Gospel that I see currently in missions. In order to elucidate the two sides, I'm going to somewhat exaggerate the differences between the two, just because it is very easy to stereotype an idea and as such, reject the whole thing when actually there is some truth to it. I also want to try to give a somewhat Biblical analysis of the whole Gospel thing as well. But as you'll see, after all this analysis/research, I honestly still don't know the answer. (Hint: The brain is a marvelous creation, but it is completely lost without the guidance and revelation of the Holy Spirit. Still waiting).

Side A, "Traditional" If you've grown up going to a church where people describe themselves as "born again" or something of the sort, this is probably the Gospel you're thinking of. The key components are: 1) You are a sinner and there is nothing you can do on your own power to change that or make you free from your sins. 2) You will always fall short of the glory of God. You CAN'T work your way to Heaven, it doesn't matter how good you are or how many baby seals you save, you are doomed to Hell from the get go. 3) BUT, Jesus loves you so much that He died so that you can be forgiven of you sins and not go to Hell. 4) if you accept Jesus' free gift of salvation for you, you will have eternal life and life to the full. 5). Respond by repeating this prayer, confessing you're a sinner, confessing you believe in Jesus, and asking Him to come into your heart. Amen.

Side B, "Transformational" This might be new to some, but it is gaining ground, especially in a lot of missions group. Many times it is referred to as the Whole Gospel, the Gospel Jesus taught, and some detractors call it the Social Gospel. Depending on who you're talking to, this Gospel includes the elements of Side A as a subset of the larger Gospel. The key elements to the Transformational Gospel are: 1) The world is a broken place. Everyday we hear about another famine, hurricane, crime, injustice, war. Even our own broken families testify that man is at odds with man, and man is at odds with God. When you really look at it, the world is messed up in a bad way. 2) BUT things weren't always like this. When God made the world, He made it good and at peace. But not just peace, it was in shalom. Shalom being the Hebrew word for peace, but its better than just plain old peace. Everything was in right relation to everything else. God was in good relation with man, ie they walked in the garden together. Man was in right relationship with man, ie Adam and Eve were a match made in, um, Earth. Nature was even good with itself, ie the lion and the lamb were kickin' it. 3) Everything was great until sin entered the world. With sin in the picture it broke all those relationships and shalom was kicked out along with man from the garden. Now there is brokenness between God and man, man and man, man and nature and everything else. Thus we find ourselves in the broken state we started at. 4) BUT, there is hope. Jesus, God's only son, came to restore the world to its original state by establishing the Kingdom of God. In this Kingdom the shalom of the world will be restored. All relationships will be reconciled: man will be reconciled to God, man will be reconciled to man, even across racial, political or social divides. Injustice can be overturned, the world can be restored through the Kingdom. There is hope! 5). The work of the Kingdom and ministry of reconciliation is happening now and it is the work of the people of God. Join with the work of restoring the world through Jesus, reconciling the world to Jesus, and bringing shalom back. Go, go help!

Ok, first of all, forgive me for portraying these two "gospels" as so 1-D and in a somewhat mocking tone. However, I have been quite frustrated because I hear many catch phrases and buzz words tossed around so much that either I ignore them or they bring up so much distracting baggage attached to them. On the two sides of the isle, the traditionalist views the transformational gospel as sheer heresy and the transformationalist hardly uses the word Gospel. I don't say this to judge, only to point out because, I don't really know what is THE Gospel. My own opinion is that neither have it totally together. I think both originate from true foundations, but I can't quite bring myself to fully defend either of the ones portrayed above.

So what's the deal with side A? I've tried to display Side A as the traditional alter call. It is aimed at the individual and stops with the individuals decision to accept Christ as Lord and Savior or not. It can be preached using the Romans Road, a series of verses from Romans describing how no one is righteous or good (which still rubs me the wrong way since God viewed certain people as righteous. Perhaps the no one righteous quote refers to the gentiles since all those seen by God as righteous were Jews and knew Him. Another question . . .) and that all who confess Jesus as Lord and believe in their heart that He rose from the dead will be saved. The goal of the altar call is the individual's salvation. Is this salvation good news? Absolutely, as long as they acknowledge their own need to be saved (which is another post). Now this truly is amazing. Without Jesus' death for us, we would be utterly lost. But He does love us enough to die for us even though we were His enemies, and dead ourselves to sin. (And who dies for a dead man that was your enemy?) But as incomprehensible and great as that good news is, is it THE good news?

One thing that bothers me from an academic point of view is that people can be saved by Jesus but have no idea who in the world Jesus is/was. I say that bothers me, but I've met a number of people who did respond to this call of salvation, and they are on fire. They are such a joy to be around and God uses them in amazing ways. There is something great about how simple this message is, but how deep it is too. On the other hand, I've seen people respond to this altar call half a dozen times without any real change in their lives. But whether something is worth pursuing based on it effectiveness is another question.

My own personal experience with sharing the Gospel of side A has been few and far between. Sharing this scares the snot out of me, and actually asking someone to pray to accept Jesus would take me seeing the four horsemen of the Apocalypse bearing down at us. I say this a confession of succumbing to fear, something God has been helping me with, but I know He wants more. I'll take a spiritual conversation of any sort with a non-christian as a gift from God. At the same time, my fear of sharing this message makes it so intriguing to me. Off the top of my head, I can think of three or four times I've shared this message, but I've never "led" anyone to Christ. Perhaps its my own fear or short sighted lack of results that makes me think there must be more than this. Growing up in the church, it is so easy for me to take salvation for granted. It is something I've heard all my life and as such, when I hear it, I'm left wanting greener grass on the other side. Even writing this I'm disgusted with myself for how ungrateful and jaded I am. I don't know how to be different. I see the joy of salvation in others so readily, but lack it in myself. Spiritual thankfulness is my weak point, sharing this message (and finding people to share it with) is my weak point. But more on this later.

To sum up for side A, I see this as the message of salvation, which is true but not necessarily the gospel. Where I see it falling short is although there is a promise of love, peace, joy and new life, the emphasis is on snatched from Hell, wait for Heaven and don't do anything really bad till you die.

And what of Side B, pray tel? Side B relies heavily upon the life and teachings of Jesus, and not so much His death. After all, Jesus did do much more than just die. He lived: He was a little kid, He was a teenager, He worked, He learned a trade. Before He started His ministry, you probably wouldn't even have given Him a second look. In fact, He wasn't even physically handsome. (Isaiah 53:2). Once He began His ministry, He began with the poor. Many of the people that came to Him were broken, either poor, physically ailed, someone in their family had problems, etc. And, never, never once does Jesus ever turn away someone who is desperate for Him. He does turn away the pride and arrogance of the pharisees. Jesus even forgave sins of the people that came to Him . . . and He had not died yet to forgive them. Jesus preached the Kingdom of God while on Earth, and He said the prostitutes and charlatans were entering before the pharisees. He came to establish the Kingdom and He did. Its not something you can point to and say there it is, or here it is, rather it is within you. (Luke 17:20-21).

So what does this have to do with side B? Good question. I see side B as being rooted in the ministry of Jesus to the poor and lost. But at the same time, where do we see Jesus transforming anything? This is the next question to answer, but I'll briefly bring up the issue here. Does Jesus want the Kingdom of God expressed in social and political systems? If your goal is to transform the world, then many systems need to be transformed as well. If you are going to bring peace to the world, then wars need to cease; oppressors need to see the slave as their brother, not an object of hatred. If you aim to end poverty, you need to establish a just system of wealth and economics. How does Jesus address these issues? He doesn't. He ran away when the people tried to make Him king. He told the Jews to go the extra mile for their oppressors, and to still pay taxes to them. His call is to love our enemies instead of trying to overthrow them. Jesus worked within the systems that were established. He challenged the thoughts and ideas of the pharisees and the burdens they were putting on the people, but He never challenged the government. Jesus hardly ever addresses political or social justice in the aim of transforming systems.

HOWEVER...the Old Testament is FULL of the establishment and pursuit of social and political justice. It is HUGE on God's heart. If you want to know what a just group of people should look like, read Deuteronomy. That is God's intention for how His people as a nation were to live in the land He was about to give them. The poor were taken care of, the alien, fatherless, and widow were to be cared for. There was no room for oppression. You see God's heart doubly again in the book of Amos when Israel had wandered far from God's intentions. So does God heart for justice suddenly die after Christ's coming? Again, another question.

So the big issues with Side B are that they do recognize the brokenness of the world and God's abundant heart for the poor. But does God really want the world and society transformed, or does He want His people transformed? Again, another question. Also, I doubt that transformation is THE Gospel. Yes its good news, but I doubt as to whether the world will actually be transformed as many hope it will be.

My own experience with sharing this Gospel has been interesting. I shared to a coworker about my trip to Peru and how some friends of mine were living in urban Fresno to help out the people there. I began to explain how having a Christian presence in poorer urban neighborhoods or apartments helps to reduce crime, helps out kids who have broken families and no where to go, and gives an alternative to the darkness that they know. I kept saying that I wanted to go help this world; help those in need. My coworker was clueless to understand why anyone would want to move into a crime ridden, poor area. I thought that it was because she didn't know Jesus and His love, both for her and for the broken. Ironically it hit me afterwards that I was able to explain my whole desire to "help" the poor without ever once mentioning the name of Jesus or God. I could be doing it just because I'm demented, or for fame. I know why I'm doing it, because Jesus loves me and calls me to love others in the same way, but I was never required to say that. Transformation or peace corps can look the same. Now it was my own fault and loss for not mentioning Christ as my motivation, but still if transformation is the only focus, then God can take a back seat.

On the other hand, one of my old bible study leaders is working in Fresno for AmeriaCorp. From her experience, she had seen and knew the only power that could ever hope to transform anything was Jesus. No amount of money or programs or any physical thing would help, only the transforming love of Christ. I had never met anyone who had Jesus' name always on their lips as much as she did. It was awesome and it truly was a light in the midst of the darkness.

In summary, Side B is true when Jesus is the power. Is world transformation what Jesus really came to do? I don't think so, but I'll try to address this next. None the less, Side B has God's heart for the poor and oppressed dead on which is extremely commendable and praiseworthy. However, the goal of change on a bigger scale may not be the goal of Christ.

So what about the word Gospel in the Bible, what is the consensus of the Word? The word Gospel shows up anywhere from 77 to 127 times in the Bible, depending upon what version you use. The word itself, as everyone knows, means good news. The greek word is euaggelion which is where the word evangelism comes from (not to mention some anime series I've never seen). So can the good news be any good news?

In the Gospels, Jesus is recorded as preaching the Gospel. I only know of one passage where it records what Jesus said of the Gospel, kinda. Mark 1:14-15. "And after John was delivered up, Jesus came into Galilee, proclaiming the Gospel of the kingdom of God, and saying, The time is fulfilled, and the Kingdom of God draws near. Repent, and believe the Gospel." But believe what Gospel, that the Kingdom of God draws near? I don't know what that means to be honest. But I know He didn't preach the "traditional gospel". First, He hadn't died yet. Also, He only told His disciples about His future death and He told them to keep it secret. Later in Jerusalem, He made allusions to His upcoming death (destroy this temple and I will rebuild it in three days). However, I never see Jesus saying the words, accept my free gift of salvation.

It can also be argued that He did kinda preach the traditional Gospel in the book of John, John 3:16 being a key verse. It is interesting to note that the word Gospel does not show up in the book of John, ever. None the less, much of Jesus' preaching is recorded but it is only conjecture as to what constitutes the Gospel and what constitutes preaching.

Next, the book of Acts refers to the Gospel being preached by the apostles and Paul. Now again, when it says the Gospel was preached, it never records what they said, only that they did it. When it does record what they said, it isn't referred to as the Gospel. Now, if the Gospel is what they were always preaching, then it has about a billion different forms and key points since each message seems pretty unique. To be honest though, I haven't looked at Acts in depth.

Next are Paul's letters which by far contain the greatest quantities of the word Gospel. Most of the references are to Paul's preaching of the Gospel. (Do you get the idea that the Gospel is meant to be preached?) Second are references to the Gospel of Christ/God, after that is service to the Gospel, after which is "my/our" Gospel. I especially find references to "my", being Paul's, Gospel disturbing. Does he mean that it is his own good news or that he is merely the message bearer? Interesting to note, Gospel of Salvation occurs once (Ephesians 1:13, there is also Rom 1:16 which shows the Gospel is the power of God unto salvation), Gospel of life and immortality occurs once as well(2 Tim. 1:10). The one time I see that it refers to the Gospel that Paul preached occurs in 1 Corinthians 15 :1-8

"And, brothers, I declare to you the Gospel which I preached to you which also you have received, and in which you stand; by which you also are being kept safe, if you hold fast the word which I preached to you, unless you believed in vain. For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received, that Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures and that He was seen by Cephas, then by the Twelve. Afterward He was seen by over five hundred brothers at once, of whom the greater part remain until this present day, but also some fell asleep. Afterward He was seen by James, then by all the apostles. And last of all He was seen by me also, as one born out of time."

And apparently Paul was pretty adamant about His own preaching of the Gospel: "I marvel that you so soon are being moved away from Him who called you into the grace of Christ, to another gospel which is not another, but some are troubling you, and desiring to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from Heaven preach a gospel to you beside what we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we said before, and now I say again, If anyone preaches a gospel to you beside what you have received, let him be accursed." Galatians 1:6-9

So, is that it? THE Gospel is Jesus died for our sins, was buried and rose the third day according to the scriptures and was then seen by a lot of people? No more no less? Was Jesus saying the wrong thing, is He to be accursed according to Paul? The answer to the last question is obviously no. Then is it possible that there are two Gospels; one for the jew (kingdom of God) and one for the gentile, (Christ's death for the forgiveness of sins, and His resurrection)? Whatever it is, I know it is important to have it right. As Paul says twice in Galatians 1 "But even if we or an angel from Heaven preach a gospel to you beside what we preached to you, let him be accursed." I am planning on talking to my pastor when I get chance about this and I will update when I know.

Looking at the Gospel Paul preached to the Corinthians, i guess it fuses elements of the side A and side B Gospels. First, yes, Jesus died for our own sins. That was the only way we could be forgiven. But it also doesn't leave Him dead either. It brings Him to life. He ain't done yet. His purpose for the world is still moving ahead. He's powerful enough to conquer death so He should be plenty powerful to kick the trash out of anything else. And not only that, He was seen. He didn't just up and leave, but wants to be seen. He is alive, and showing Himself.

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone,
Because I know, I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living, just because He lives"

A Propos of Dry Snow

Since it started snowing yesterday (being Thursday, I take a while to edit stuff) I thought it appropriate to title this post after the second half of Notes from the Underground by Dostoevsky. And yes, the name of this blog is referencing that work. Notes is an awesome book, very short, but very deep at the same time. It involves a man that is "underground" and his endless thoughts concerning thinking and anything else. If you like anything mildly existential, this is it's beginning.

As for my thoughts, they have been a mess as of late. I've been continually in pursuit of some sort of answer for endless questions that arise. On Wednesday, I got to drive out to Melba for work and it was great being by myself and being able to talk and question God out loud in the car. As an external processor, I need to say my thoughts in order to see if they actually stand on their own, or if my mind was making something out of nothing.

By the time Thursday rolled around, I hit the wall. I kept searching for information and the information found was not what I needed, and therefore led to more questions. An endless cycle was set up in my thoughts and there was no way out of it. I have seen people in this state, desperately running around in darkness for something onto which to grab hold. Not just anything, but THE thing, the answer, the truth that feels right, the object that supposedly completes them. However, the only thing needed is to stop searching, sit down, and accept uncertainty. I've seen many people walk away from faith in Jesus while in this state; endlessly pawing for an answer that will suit them, no other answer will do. If that answer isn't found, and found in practice beyond the realm of ideals, then there is no reason to continue what appears to them as a sham. From an outside perspective, it looks so easy to get out of this hole: "Just have faith, you are not going to understand everything, God is too smart and too foolish in our eyes for it all to make sense; beyond that, no one is perfect, who cares whether they are fake or not, that is between them and God and He is no lover of falsity." Yet from this past experience, I discovered when you are in that hole, it is impossible to get out by your own volition, even when you recognize the sad state you are in. Like a bad dream you know is dream, but still can't leave. Just to clarify, I am in no means questioning my faith or God or His love. Rather I am questioning what exactly He wants, but specifics in later posts.

Thursday I found myself zoning out the window at work, seeing the snow float down. My boss kept coming in and talking to me. He is a rather quiet fellow most of the time and even when we do talk, the conversation sputters awkwardly and ends abruptly. That day, he yammered on about snow, work, everything and nothing. In my state I could not have cared less about his subject matter. He kept complimenting me on random tasks I had completed: half-heartedly organizing files in a cabinet, slapping together a new CD label design for outgoing CD's, showing him about mozilla instead of internet explorer. I do try to work hard there, but my heart is definitely not in it. Unfortunately, my "eh" is too good. He pulled me in his office and with pride and giddiness began to explain how since he came into the office he had got everything organized and got over 20 files out to different jurisdictions. Now there's not much to a file, so in my mind that seemed like putting 20 3rd grade book reports together over the course of semester for a masters thesis. None the less, he was shocked by how much had been done and how he didn't even know the immense quantity of finished work until he put together a completed list today. "Oh Lord forgive me. I don't care and I'm not loving this guy at all, help me to love him and try to be interested." It was at this point that he really began to compliment me and hinted at my coming on full time (I'm hired through a temp agency) and really getting involved with the project; I'm sure in his eyes, as a career. Now honestly, I hate this job, its a desk job and I need to move. God made us in a garden, not on a cushy chair. The human butt is designed to allow for fall impact from an upright, standing position, not to allow you sit all day. At this point I told him that I didn't plan to be around much longer and was looking to leave the area within the next few months. "Ouch, that hurts." He responded and kept up with compliments about how he knew he wouldn't be able to keep me.

I felt terrible. First, I have always had a difficult time receiving compliments. I see no merit on my part to deserve them and I sincerely doubt they help me much. There are certainly times when I do need them, but many times they go to my head. Plus, I need God's encouragement more than flattering words which only puff up. I've learned to take encouragement as positive feedback in a ministry setting so I have an easier time accepting it there, but baseless compliments I have a very difficult time with. I know I'm not working as hard as could at this job, primarily because I know I'd run out of work too fast. So to be complimented for my Homer Simpsonesque work is horrid. Its like applauding a marine for lazily performing 2 push-ups. I also felt terrible about having to reject his offer. Rejecting is much easier than being rejected but it is still the same emotion and a lousy one at that. He didn't talk much for the rest of the day and I got in my car to go home in a depressed stupor. I was low on gas and I hoped to run out just so I could run along the side of road in the snow. That would be a doable challenge.

I started driving through the snow wafting down in dusty tendrils. I started singing. "Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor" A song we sang at Poly Christian Fellowship in SLO. Sing to the Lord a new song, Sing to the Lord. "Y que Hizo el Hizo maravillas, Y que Hizo el, Hizo maravillas, Y que Hizo el Hizo maravillas, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor" And what did He do? He did wonders! Sing to the Lord, sing to the Lord. "El mar dividio pasaron en seco, El mar dividio pasaron en seco, El mar dividio pasaron en seco, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor." The sea divided they passed on dry, sing to the Lord, sing to the Lord. Why that song? Because it came out. And afterwards other songs, especially in spanish. Next was Santo Santo Eres (Holy are You) and by the time I got to Soy Nueva Creatura, I was a new creature.

Singing itself is great to lift spirits, but singing words, hearing yourself sing words out of your own mouth, reflecting those words, agreeing and adding life to them the next time around is truly awesome. I was reminded of a lesson I learned in a particularly dark time in life. I was living in a country song, except I didn't have a truck to break down. None the less, my dog died, my girlfriend left me, I got the worse grades I had ever got, I lost my keys, I was broke, one of my roommates decided to leave and I had no idea where I would get another one and I was pretty much alone. I went to an evening worship service in the midst of this and heard a sermon on God's glory. God will seek His own glory, period. He will do anything that will glorify Himself and all He does is to glorify Himself. We are here to glorify Him as well. End of story. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but something about it stuck. It doesn't matter what state I'm in; good, bad, indifferent. The ultimate truth is that God is good no matter what. As long as He is good, I can find joy in that, no matter my feelings. There was a strong correlation between joy and God's glory. At this point, Press on! became Press on for Joy! Press on through the mess and muck and boredom to see God as He is, in all His glory, that is Joy.
Libre Soy, del pecado. I am free from sin, washed clean. I am free from the weight and darkness of these questions. That doesn't mean answers, but it does mean I know and have peace that God will provide as He sees fit. I'm still going to do my best to seek the truth, but my dependence lies in God, not the answers.

I hope this helps anyone who ever goes through similar times of questioning. I'll be posting the questions above and my thoughts and updated thoughts and scripture and God's voice as I go. If you are questioning, listen to God, keeps your ears open that you might hear and understand, whatever you hear, like or not. Truth may not be fun, but its truth. Praise be that God is gracious enough to give it us, and give it to us a manner that doesn't kill us.

Alright, this was way too long, but stay strong, seek the Lord and
Press on for Joy!