A Propos of Dry Snow

Since it started snowing yesterday (being Thursday, I take a while to edit stuff) I thought it appropriate to title this post after the second half of Notes from the Underground by Dostoevsky. And yes, the name of this blog is referencing that work. Notes is an awesome book, very short, but very deep at the same time. It involves a man that is "underground" and his endless thoughts concerning thinking and anything else. If you like anything mildly existential, this is it's beginning.

As for my thoughts, they have been a mess as of late. I've been continually in pursuit of some sort of answer for endless questions that arise. On Wednesday, I got to drive out to Melba for work and it was great being by myself and being able to talk and question God out loud in the car. As an external processor, I need to say my thoughts in order to see if they actually stand on their own, or if my mind was making something out of nothing.

By the time Thursday rolled around, I hit the wall. I kept searching for information and the information found was not what I needed, and therefore led to more questions. An endless cycle was set up in my thoughts and there was no way out of it. I have seen people in this state, desperately running around in darkness for something onto which to grab hold. Not just anything, but THE thing, the answer, the truth that feels right, the object that supposedly completes them. However, the only thing needed is to stop searching, sit down, and accept uncertainty. I've seen many people walk away from faith in Jesus while in this state; endlessly pawing for an answer that will suit them, no other answer will do. If that answer isn't found, and found in practice beyond the realm of ideals, then there is no reason to continue what appears to them as a sham. From an outside perspective, it looks so easy to get out of this hole: "Just have faith, you are not going to understand everything, God is too smart and too foolish in our eyes for it all to make sense; beyond that, no one is perfect, who cares whether they are fake or not, that is between them and God and He is no lover of falsity." Yet from this past experience, I discovered when you are in that hole, it is impossible to get out by your own volition, even when you recognize the sad state you are in. Like a bad dream you know is dream, but still can't leave. Just to clarify, I am in no means questioning my faith or God or His love. Rather I am questioning what exactly He wants, but specifics in later posts.

Thursday I found myself zoning out the window at work, seeing the snow float down. My boss kept coming in and talking to me. He is a rather quiet fellow most of the time and even when we do talk, the conversation sputters awkwardly and ends abruptly. That day, he yammered on about snow, work, everything and nothing. In my state I could not have cared less about his subject matter. He kept complimenting me on random tasks I had completed: half-heartedly organizing files in a cabinet, slapping together a new CD label design for outgoing CD's, showing him about mozilla instead of internet explorer. I do try to work hard there, but my heart is definitely not in it. Unfortunately, my "eh" is too good. He pulled me in his office and with pride and giddiness began to explain how since he came into the office he had got everything organized and got over 20 files out to different jurisdictions. Now there's not much to a file, so in my mind that seemed like putting 20 3rd grade book reports together over the course of semester for a masters thesis. None the less, he was shocked by how much had been done and how he didn't even know the immense quantity of finished work until he put together a completed list today. "Oh Lord forgive me. I don't care and I'm not loving this guy at all, help me to love him and try to be interested." It was at this point that he really began to compliment me and hinted at my coming on full time (I'm hired through a temp agency) and really getting involved with the project; I'm sure in his eyes, as a career. Now honestly, I hate this job, its a desk job and I need to move. God made us in a garden, not on a cushy chair. The human butt is designed to allow for fall impact from an upright, standing position, not to allow you sit all day. At this point I told him that I didn't plan to be around much longer and was looking to leave the area within the next few months. "Ouch, that hurts." He responded and kept up with compliments about how he knew he wouldn't be able to keep me.

I felt terrible. First, I have always had a difficult time receiving compliments. I see no merit on my part to deserve them and I sincerely doubt they help me much. There are certainly times when I do need them, but many times they go to my head. Plus, I need God's encouragement more than flattering words which only puff up. I've learned to take encouragement as positive feedback in a ministry setting so I have an easier time accepting it there, but baseless compliments I have a very difficult time with. I know I'm not working as hard as could at this job, primarily because I know I'd run out of work too fast. So to be complimented for my Homer Simpsonesque work is horrid. Its like applauding a marine for lazily performing 2 push-ups. I also felt terrible about having to reject his offer. Rejecting is much easier than being rejected but it is still the same emotion and a lousy one at that. He didn't talk much for the rest of the day and I got in my car to go home in a depressed stupor. I was low on gas and I hoped to run out just so I could run along the side of road in the snow. That would be a doable challenge.

I started driving through the snow wafting down in dusty tendrils. I started singing. "Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor un cantico nuevo, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor" A song we sang at Poly Christian Fellowship in SLO. Sing to the Lord a new song, Sing to the Lord. "Y que Hizo el Hizo maravillas, Y que Hizo el, Hizo maravillas, Y que Hizo el Hizo maravillas, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor" And what did He do? He did wonders! Sing to the Lord, sing to the Lord. "El mar dividio pasaron en seco, El mar dividio pasaron en seco, El mar dividio pasaron en seco, Cantad al Senor, Cantad al Senor." The sea divided they passed on dry, sing to the Lord, sing to the Lord. Why that song? Because it came out. And afterwards other songs, especially in spanish. Next was Santo Santo Eres (Holy are You) and by the time I got to Soy Nueva Creatura, I was a new creature.

Singing itself is great to lift spirits, but singing words, hearing yourself sing words out of your own mouth, reflecting those words, agreeing and adding life to them the next time around is truly awesome. I was reminded of a lesson I learned in a particularly dark time in life. I was living in a country song, except I didn't have a truck to break down. None the less, my dog died, my girlfriend left me, I got the worse grades I had ever got, I lost my keys, I was broke, one of my roommates decided to leave and I had no idea where I would get another one and I was pretty much alone. I went to an evening worship service in the midst of this and heard a sermon on God's glory. God will seek His own glory, period. He will do anything that will glorify Himself and all He does is to glorify Himself. We are here to glorify Him as well. End of story. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but something about it stuck. It doesn't matter what state I'm in; good, bad, indifferent. The ultimate truth is that God is good no matter what. As long as He is good, I can find joy in that, no matter my feelings. There was a strong correlation between joy and God's glory. At this point, Press on! became Press on for Joy! Press on through the mess and muck and boredom to see God as He is, in all His glory, that is Joy.
Libre Soy, del pecado. I am free from sin, washed clean. I am free from the weight and darkness of these questions. That doesn't mean answers, but it does mean I know and have peace that God will provide as He sees fit. I'm still going to do my best to seek the truth, but my dependence lies in God, not the answers.

I hope this helps anyone who ever goes through similar times of questioning. I'll be posting the questions above and my thoughts and updated thoughts and scripture and God's voice as I go. If you are questioning, listen to God, keeps your ears open that you might hear and understand, whatever you hear, like or not. Truth may not be fun, but its truth. Praise be that God is gracious enough to give it us, and give it to us a manner that doesn't kill us.

Alright, this was way too long, but stay strong, seek the Lord and
Press on for Joy!