No voy a ir a Peru

I'm not going to Peru.

A bit of background. This blog is supposedly about the search for long term missions work and I've actually written nothing about that. I haven't written about that because I'm not really sure what to right about. There have been a lot of decisions on my part, which has been a bit strange. As I wrote about below in the post "Freedom!" I don't believe God has a detailed blueprint of my or most folks lives that you somehow mystically need to discern and follow. Lord help you if you get off the blueprint.

Making decisions in this new freedom is really challenging. I can't expect to get an ok from God that this is the right and only one. Nor can I blame God if they don't work out. Rather, it seems that it is a huge step of faith to make a decision in the faith that God will honor it, assuming its in His moral will and general calling for my life. I get the image of running out on an iceberg as its breaking apart. Every step causes more fractures and chunks to break off until there is nothing left to support the weight. At the same time, there is the hope that something solid is rising up from underneath that will meet that first fateful step into seeming oblivion.

This is my hope in that which is unseen: After coming back from Urbana, I had a folder full of information from many agencies. Yet one stuck in my mind: a group called InnerChange. Except they aren't a group, rather they are an order. If you're like me, I had no clue what that meant. So, I researched orders and InnerChange a fair amount. The link to their site is on the side bar and you can see what they are about and what an order means to them.

To be honest, there are some things about orders that are a bit scary. The whole mysticism bit scares me a bit, but I don't see much about that aspect that some orders follow from their website. But I will need to visit to really see. There are some things about orders that are great. There is a huge dedication to seeking God which is great. Recently I've felt pretty distant from God and I'm trying to get back to Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength; do to that takes a lot of dedication and accountability. I find seeing and seeking God difficult in the context I'm in, but I can't let circumstances pull me away from Jesus, rather they should push me towards Him. The other great thing about orders are community, something I desperately need and long for. But, I can't let desperation drive a decision.

So, after some thoughts and reflections and just plain ol' gut instinct, I found I really like InnerChange. The work they do, they way they do it, and the philosophy of the hows and the whys. Yes, there are somethings I disagree about, but the things I disagree with them about are smaller and fewer than with other groups. (One day I'll finish my transformation discussion, honest).

So there's the group. The location and details can come after that. I haven't emphasized location and details that much since no matter how perfect the location and occupation, if it is impossible for me to agree with the manner and reason for the life and work spent, I fear I would end up cynical and burnt out. Also, if I go with something, I want to commit to it. Both Oscar and Adjith (speakers at Urbana) highlighted the importance of commitment. Relationships can't be treated with the business model, that is, once both parties have achieved their goals, the relationship ends. Rather, relationships need to be based on friendships and familial models that don't end. This applies to all relationships, especially between organizations themselves and between individuals and organizations. This said, mark the hypocrisy of my decisions.

Back to InnerChange. They work in a number of places, but the only one in Latin America is Caracas, Venezuela. Why I am I looking only at Latin America specifically? Because I'm not called to be a missionary. (pause. ok, keep going.) I never felt an audible specific call to a specific culture or people group. I have no specific heart for Muslims, I love the food of Asia but the tonal languages scare me, I have pretty regular interactions with resettled African refugees but I can't say I'm in love with the continent or the culture.

Yet, I do have a call to the poor. And while there are poor here, we honestly have no clue what poverty looks like in this country. Yes, there are pockets of desperately poor people here, but they are pockets. What is it like in a country where more than half the population lives below the poverty line? Where people regularly die in the streets due to hunger? Where crime is so rampant that no one can go out after its dark and the police are blind and impotent? Where families sell their daughters into the sex industry? I do not advocate abandoning the poor here, rather I say let the church, as large as it is, take the burden of this countries poor, as small as they are. And also let the church begin to open its eyes to the plight of the rest of the world, but not to simply to fix it, but rather to seek Jesus and His Kingdom in it and through it.

With that calling to the poor, I have decided to focus on Latin America. First, it is relatively close. Not just geographically, but also culturally. The culture is different, but have a very small window into it through the experience in Peru. That window is just a start, I will have to learn much more to actually enter and honor them in their culture and I will always have to learn daily in it. If I were to go to Thailand, I would be lost. This is a culture that I have nothing in common with. This is a language I have nothing in common with. There is a very good chance I would never be able to pronounce the language correctly. (I heard from a man with a heavy Brooklyn accent who went over there and tried to say "Hi, nice to meet you" in Thai and inadvertently called the woman a dog. He swore he would never try to speak it again with out an interpreter.) If I went to Egypt, again, nothing in common. Most missionaries going to these places spend years (2-5) just learning the culture and languages. This is great! I'm so glad that western missionaries are now getting past the cultural imperialism that used to follow with them. At the same time, the people going to these places know that is where God wants them. To try to endure the inevitable hardship, loneliness and persecution without knowing %100 that is where God wants you, is folly.

I know God wants me to live with the poor and share the life I have in Christ with them. (life means both the physical and spiritual aspects.) I think, I have freedom in the choice of where. So, call me a coward, but I'm taking the easy path: Latin America.

Hold on a sec with that coward comment since the intersecting ven diagram of Latin America and InnerChange gives the barrios of Caracas, Venezuela. Murder is common, very common. The country has the highest per capita murder rate in the world. (I'm sure Colombia or other countries have higher, but most murders in those places aren't reported). There have been some high profile kidnappings. From what I've heard, everyone on the team in Caracas has been robbed. Robbings at gunpoint are common as well, even in the airport.

On top of that is Chavez. This was one of the major issues I had when I first started looking into going there. Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He is starting his Bolivarian socialist revolution as we speak. He has currently nationalized the oil and the telecom industry. Next are the food markets. He is none to keen on America either. but I don't know how he feels about individual Americans, aside from Bush. He did kick out one missionary group called New Tribes Missions two years ago under the accusation that they were working for the CIA. The Mormon's have pulled all of their missionaries as well (which I'm not going to lose any sleep over).

Will he kick out all American's someday? Don't know, he could. Will his revolution actually help people in poverty there? Even if it economically works, that can't solve the crime and spiritual problems. Christ does both. And Jesus isn't just a problem solver, healer or savior, He is the destroyer of death and He is alive! He brings life to whatever He touches, abundant and to the full. What good is it to free captive if the only life they had was in captivity? Jesus lives and lives in those who believe in Him. It is life of hardship, but also of enduring and eternal goodness, for this "life" and the life to come.

I was scared of Chavez for a bit. Even now I'm skittish of the uncertainty of the whole matter, but God brought me Isaiah 45. What an amazing chapter. God reminded me that He is the Lord and there is no other. He uses leaders for His purposes even if they don't acknowledge Him. He creates peace and creates calamity. He is the Lord and there really is no other. It doesn't matter who Chavez is or what he plans to do, for God is higher than Him and knows what is going on and is directing it all. I need to fear God, not man. I need to love God wholly, for perfect love drives out fear of punishment. I came to a point where I shouted "Chavez, you're not going to ruin my life! God gave it to me and He gave this calling and I won't let you keep me from it. Lord bless you!" (I'll discuss the whole submission to authority and such later, since it seems I won't be able to avoid it.)

So, I'm planing on visiting the team in Caracas in April. If all goes well and the Lord blesses it, I'm hoping to join for 2 to 3 years, starting in October. That means I'll have to fit fundraising and language school between April and October. And I'd also have to fit in a trek to Lima as staff for six weeks.


This is my fissured iceberg: Currently I'm living with my parents. It's been rough. I feel like I've lost community with people my own age by not having roommates. But I do need to pay off the remainder of my student loans and living at home is cheap. But, my parents are moving to Texas. When? Whenever they sell the house. Who knows when that will be. But first they need to build a house down in Texas. My dad wants me to come and help him build it. It would probably take a couple months. The construction will start in April.

I'm actually getting involved with a lot of stuff in Boise. Not so much friendships as other commitments. I've been sitting on a board with a group of community leaders and elders from a group of Somali Bantu refugees from Africa. Mainly it is to distribute food towards the end of the month so that they have enough to eat. I work random things: sometimes soliciting donations and volunteers from churches, sometimes buying tons of rice (actually one ton to be precise). I also just started math tutoring a boy named Hussein from one of the larger families. He's 13 and in the sixth grade and kinda shy, but great kid over all from what I've seen.

It is difficult for this group since they were kicked around as slaves by various groups in Africa. Eventually, refugee camps were set up in Somalia for them. Some of them have lived their entire lives in these camps and have never had any formal education. Now try planting them here in America. First, learn a really difficult language (english), also learn how to write. Second, get a job. The great state of Idaho has a minimum wage of $5.50/hr. Try working that in temp jobs (ie. not many hours) and supporting your family of anywhere from 2-12. You can get food stamps, but if you earn to much, they'll take them away leaving you worse off than when you couldn't find much work. The list goes on, but they are doing exceedingly well despite the troubles. And yes, they may not make the wisest choices in buying cell phones and other "luxuries" right off the bat, but I wouldn't know what is a necessity and not a necessity if I woke up in another county.

I'm also trying to do more with Jr. High. The group has been growing a lot. And I actually have a vision for the group, not sure it will happen, but there is a goal in mind. You'll have to read "The Shaping of Things to Come" by Alan Hirsch to get a feel for it. I got to hang out with some of their families too, which was a great time to see them outside of the church setting. It takes a long time to build relationships with the kids. I've been a bit dismayed recently at how shallow a lot of our conversation is, but I don't recognize it until after the fact. I know they must be struggling with more than just what is a good or bad movie/band/form of entertainment. I guess I should actually pray for good conversations. How important it is to pray and how easy it is to not.

Work, is work. But with the weather getting nicer, it looks like we'll be traveling a lot more. Except traveling out of town for a week is skipping out on everything I'm involved with in town.

My mom is worried. She has no intention of letting me go to Caracas. I am her only child and she lost her own mother just over a year ago. There have been many tears, many arguments, many threats to fight dirty, many accusations of selfishness and stubborn pride against me. I don't know if I would call this persecution, but it certainly isn't fun. I honestly have a very difficult time empathizing with my family. I don't know what its like to be a mom. I don't know what its like to lose a mom. I know its hard, but I've never felt how hard.

I know my stupid pride and arrogance gets in the way; that is my fault completely and totally. But I can't let sin keep me from follow Jesus. If I wait to be perfect before following, I'll be dead. Instead, He makes us clean, and it not ashamed to call us His brethren (Hebrews 2:11). I know that really trying to follow Jesus just sounds totally insane. I hear myself explaining what I want to do, and I think I've got to be nuts.

Then there is the time line. Here's how it currently stands: March 31, go to Texas and work on the foundation with my dad. On the 9th of April, fly down to Caracas; fly back on the 19th. Stay and help with the house for 2 to 3 weeks more. Come back to Boise. Assuming all is green with InnerChange, find another job, start fundraising and practicing like crazy for spanish, go to Spanish school in Guatelmala at some point. In September, there is the InnerChange orientation. In early October, move into the barrios. Looking at this, there was no way I could go to Lima. I can't see how I can fit that. It just comes down to scheduling, cold and simple.

I was dissappointed in the advice I got about the trek. I was hoping to go on the trek primarily to be staff and support the team in that sense. I wasn't looking to get anything out of it, except the awesome experience of going to Peru and helping the other students through that. Looking at it written out, that's really shallow. When I asked some people what they thought of the situation, they answered in an interesting way. The main thrust of their advice was that I would not gain anything from the trek that would directly help me towards Caracas or beyond. I think that's an awful selfish reason not to go. Who cares if I benefit? I would go to serve, not take. I am not a long term planner at all and so it is dificult for me to look much farther down the road than the next month. I guess that's why they gave me that advice, but who knows. Still, I am really sad that I'm not doing it. If Chavez closes the country I'm really getting ticked. It pains me to loose out on going to Peru again, but I have to pray and trust that God will provide more staff in my place. Its a chunk of the iceberg snapped off and I can't put it back.

The foundation gets shakier by the minute with pieces cracking off left and right. I've never needed to trust God more and I've never had a harder time of it. If I stop, I fall through. If I don't stop . . . well, the edge is sickeningly close and I can't see what is beyond that. An uplifting, strong rock or deathly cold water?

Here's hoping.

Press on for Joy!